


Sweat and Tears

by Nehesemhotep



Series: The Cure for Everything [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Acephobia, Asexual Castiel, Bullying, Depression, Discussion of Past Suicide Attempt, Fluff and Angst, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Protective Castiel, Protective Dean Winchester, discussion of self-harm, not graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-07-10 14:55:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6990010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nehesemhotep/pseuds/Nehesemhotep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean finally meets some of Castiel's family, and learns more about the "note in the bottle" and the scars on Cas' wrists.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

        Dean groaned and stretched, the smell of salt water and the seaside grill not far from Cas' house sweeping through the window.  He turned and looked at the empty spot on the bed next to him.  Pouting slightly, he rose from bed and threw on a t-shirt.  The little house was quiet, peaceful.  Dean took a deep breath as he turned on the coffeemaker, looking over at his cell phone, abandoned on the kitchen table.  

        Dean wasn't sure when Cas' house had become his, too.  It wasn't easy, but it felt right.  Just like loving Cas was the most natural, amazing thing Dean had ever had, but it didn't mean it was easy either.  Cas had his episodes, and Dean had his.  Both of them had lived alone for so long, and weren't used to giving up that control.  Dean recalled one argument over what type of ice cream he had bought, and one argument over coffee that resulted in coffee grounds being spilled over the entire kitchen and hallway. He was pretty sure the grounds were still there.  

        The sound of footsteps was followed by two strong arms wrapping around his waist.  Cas was out of breath, and had clearly been out for his morning run.  Den grimaced and pulled away, only half in jest. "You stink, dude."  

        He was turned easily around, away from the coffee maker and, he found himself looking into bright blue eyes, which turned quickly from concerned to amused.  Cas scanned him, from his rumpled boxers and t-shirt, to his errant bedhead, to his furrowed brow.  Cas' lips quirked up slightly,  "You're sulking."  

        "What?" Dean huffed; he looked away and found himself struggling not to cross his arms.  Cas once again drew him into an embrace,

        "You're upset because when you woke up I wasn't there. You wanted to snuggle."  

        Dean felt Cas' heart beat steadily against his chest.  "Maybe." Dean finally mumbled against Cas' neck, damp with sweat from his run.  He felt Cas laugh softly, and his boyfriend pulled back slightly to plant a kiss on his forehead.  

        "I'm going to take a shower," Cas placed his hand on Dean's shoulder before walking away, "The coffee smells amazing. Don't drink it all!" Cas' voice echoed from where he had walked into the bathroom down the hall.  Dean rolled his eyes, face fond.  

        He had just heard the water turn off in the bathroom when there was a knock on the door.  He ran a helpless hand through his hair, shrugged, and meandered to the front door.  Belatedly he recognized he was still in boxers, but again, who was he concerned about impressing?  And his t-shirt smelled faintly of Cas, which brought a smile to his face.  Opening the door, Dean was surprised when two men he had never seen before stared at him with equally judgmental expressions.  

        One was tall, blond, with a quietly arrogant expression that made Dean uneasy.  The other was short, with brown hair, arms crossed and an eyebrow lifted over unreadable hazel eyes.  The three stood in an awkward silence, which was finally broken by Cas' strangled voice, "What-"  Dean looked at Cas, whose face was pale and posture poised to bolt.  

        Dean swiveled back and moved in a protective stance in front of Cas, "Can I help you?" His voice was hard, and the short visitor sighed. The tall one smiled slightly, it seemed a foreign and strange expression on his face, almost sinister.  He ignored Dean and looked over his shoulder,

        "Castiel, it's nice to see you again.  And in such...interesting company."  Dean bristled at the man's tone,

        "Who are you?"  

        "Dean."  Cas' voice was soft, but steadied, "These are my brothers."  


	2. Chapter 2

        "So..." Dean looked between Castiel's brothers. He had no desire to be friendly with these people. Castiel never spoke of his family, and that said everything. Cas would never have left his family unless they made him leave, he was too good a person. He was protective of Sam, and he would have been protective of his brothers, too. Unless they hurt him. He narrowed his eyes and he reached back a hand to Cas' hip.  The two men were exchanging confused glances.  Dean scowled, "You got names, or something?"

        The tall one moved even closer, making Dean want to step back. He didn't. "Lucifer."

         "Lucifer. Really?" Dean turned towards Castiel, who still looked like he was going to be sick. Cas shrugged, giving a shaky smile. The short one wrapped an arm around Lucifer's shoulders, speaking low and conspiratorially,

         "He prefers Lucy." Lucifer turned an icy glare to his brother, and he released his arm, "Lucy. Luke. Sound so similar, right? I mean one has one syllable, one has two, but, who's counting?" Dean felt rather than heard Castiel roll his eyes behind him, and when he spoke his voice was steadier,

        "Gabe. That's enough. What do you want?"

        "Gabe. Let me guess, short for Gabriel." Dean watched the man give a nod,

        "You're smarter than you look, Dean-o." Dean started, looking back at Cas who was sharing a look with Gabriel. Cas' eyes were hurt, momentarily vulnerable, and loaded with a history that Dean knew nothing about.  It was unlike the way he looked at Luke, with plain fear and disdain.

        "We wanted to see you. How you were, getting along, on your own." Lucifer's soft tone was far from sincere, and Cas replied shortly,

        "Fine. Now leave, Luke."

        "What?! No _leave Gabriel_. I'm distraught." Lucifer gestured dramatically with a hand over his heart, "Well you're still alive, so that's something." His voice trailed off into something cold and taunting, his face no longer under any pretense of friendliness. Cas flinched and even Gabriel shot Lucifer a glare.

        "You're right. You both need to leave."

        "Dean-"

        "This is our home and you're not welcome here." Dean felt himself shaking with anger, looking at the family that had shattered Cas so finely he had tried to take his own life.

        Luke just shrugged and turned, walking back to the car in the driveway, a flashy piece of garbage. Gabe paused, looked at Cas, then at Dean, then back at Cas. He swallowed,

        "I'm glad, it's good to see you little bro. I do want, to try and make things right again. With us, it's, if you'll let me explain-"

        Castiel stepped next to Dean, he nodded, stopped, and leaned into Dean, forehead falling onto his shoulder, "Maybe." Gabriel let out a breath,

        "Okay." Dean placed a comforting hand on Cas' back,

        "Goodbye, Gabriel." Gabe nodded and turned, walking back to the car and getting in, where Luke sat, fiddling with his sunglasses and playing with the radio.  As they drove away Cas lifted his head,

        " _Our_ home?"  Dean paused,

        "Um, if that's, I just meant..." Cas' eyes were shining with tears, but they were _hopeful,_ happy.  Dean smiled gently, "Yeah, that's right."  Cas pulled Dean into a long kiss, his fingers running over Dean's cheeks and through his hair.  At the end of it, Dean was flushed, and the dirty use of tongue had gotten the lower half of him interested, too.  Cas looked down, and then back up at Dean, then pushed Dean into the house and shut the door.  Slowly he got to his knees.  

        "Cas, what are you doing?"  It was pretty obvious what he was doing, but the face that looked up at him, while nimble fingers slid under his shirt, was filled with terror, not arousal.  "Cas, stop." Dean tried to speak gently, while he wound his fingers through Cas'.  Cas pulled his hands away and tugged at the elastic of his boxers.  "Cas."

        "I can do this. I can be good. I can do this for you."  Dean gripped Cas' hands and pulled them away again, more firmly,

        "Stop. Please, baby, stop." Finally, Cas ceased moving and his head hung as his hands went limp in Dean's grasp.  Dean knelt down so he was face to face with Castiel.  He could almost see the apology forming on his boyfriend's lips. "Don't. You have nothing to be sorry for, and you _are_ good for me. You're so perfect I can't even stand it sometimes. I love you."  

        Cas' eyes snapped up, shocked.  It was the first time Dean had said it.  The three words he was sure that he would never be able to say.  Dean cupped Cas' fingers in his hands, rubbing them lovingly.  They were beautiful hands, so careful and kind.  He looked at the scars on Cas' arms and for a moment he couldn't speak as he fought back tears.  "You hear me?"  Dean tried to sound confident, or even teasing, but it came out as a whisper.  

        Cas whispered back, "I hear you."  Dean pulled Cas into a hug, who slowly wrapped his arms around Dean and relaxed into it.  Eventually, Cas pulled back, eyes downcast, "I want to be everything for you."

        "You _are_." Dean wrapped a hand around the back of Cas' neck and drew him close so their faces were inches apart. "I'm not going to tell you what you feel, man. If you ever, _wanted_ to do, that kind of stuff one day, I won't tell you _can't_ want that. But I won't enjoy anything if you're not into it."  Dean saw the tears falling on to the wood floor, and lifted a hand to smooth the tears from Cas' face.  "You're hurting, and I want to stop it. I want to be everything _for you_."

        Dean let out a breath, completely drained of gooey emotional sentiments for like, a year, at least.  But it kind of felt like a relief to get them out.  Cas nodded silently, and Dean helped him off the floor.  He understood that Cas may be nonverbal for a little while, that he needed to feel safe.  It was one thing Sam didn't get, how scary words were, how Dean would rather be cut, punched, run into the ground with exhaustion rather than make himself so needy and vulnerable by _talking_.  Dean led Cas back to their bed and pulled him close under the covers.  

 

        Dean's stomach rumbled.  The smell of the untouched coffee permeated the air.  Cas was asleep, head resting on his chest.  "Cas, sweetheart, I need to move."  He shook Cas' shoulder, and bleary eyes stared at him briefly, before squeezing shut and Cas nuzzled his face into Dean's t-shirt.  "I mean it. I'm like dying of hunger here."  That got a snort and a sigh from Cas, who reluctantly moved.  

        "You aren't dying."  Dean rolled out of bed and into the hallway, "Can you fix me something, too?"  Dean laughed softly as he entered the kitchen, throwing open the refrigerator and grabbing leftover pizza.  He shoved a cold slice of pepperoni pizza in his mouth and slid a couple pieces on a plate.  The microwave hummed.  "The microwave makes the crust chewy."  Cas' voice was teasing.  He knew Dean was too impatient to preheat the oven.

        "What's the point of leftovers if you have to recook them? Leftovers are supposed to be easy. Besides, pizza is great like this."  Dean turned to Cas, his mouth full of cold pizza.  Cas wrinkled his nose, but didn't comment.  He looked a lot better then he had after his brothers left.  He looked like his normal self.  Deans' eyes were fond as they watched him pour a cup of coffee.  Cas caught him staring,

        "What?"  Dean swallowed his pizza and smiled,

        "Nothing. I love you."  Cas' breath caught again, and Dean's grin widened.

        "I love you, too." Cas' cheeks were flushed and his eyes awed.  The microwave beeped and Cas moved past him almost shyly to grab his food.  The visit from Cas' brothers reminded Dean that as horrible as their history was, as awful as they may seem, he wouldn't be standing here, with Cas, without them.         

 

        The next day, while Dean was at work, he kept thinking about Cas' brothers, Gabriel and Lucifer. Seriously, what kind of parent would name a baby Lucifer.  If Sam came up to him down the road, and was like, _me and Jess are having a baby, it's gonna be a boy, and we like the name Lucifer_ , like what the fuck? Dean laughed to himself, then sobered.

        He needed to catch up with Sam and Jess.  They had gone on their honeymoon to Europe, and Dean had received frequent texts from his nerd brother as he saw tombs and castles and learned weird facts about languages and all this stuff.  He received texts from Jess that reassured she wasn't going to let Sam go into the incredibly dangerous underwater caves in France; sometimes she would send a teasing message about all the flying they were doing, knowing that Dean _hated_ flying.  He shuddered just thinking about it.  Dean pulled out his phone and started texting.

_D: Hey Sammy_

_S: Hey what's up_

_D: You know anything about Cas' family_

_S: uh, no, why is something wrong_

_D: I just thought maybe you had heard of them because of work_

_S: right. you think Cas' family is filled with dangerous criminals_

_D: hey you never know_

_D: you know what they did to him_

_S: um, no Dean_

_S: what did they do?!_

_S: is he okay?_

_D: calm down. I'm talking in the past. He's terrified of them. I don't know what they did but two of his brothers came to the house yesterday and I don't want them near him_

There was no response.  Dean stared at his phone.

_D: hello?_

_S: omg hold on_

_D: what are you even doing?_

_S: what do you think. something illegal. now shut up._

Dean tapped his fingers on the desk, looking at the door, hoping that Bobby wouldn't notice that he'd been on a longer break than usual.

_S: so nothing on Cas' brothers violence wise. Lucifer (wtf Dean) has been sued in some sketchy business stuff, though._

_S: woah hang on_

_D: what?!!_

_S: Cas' mom has been a "consultant" for the police department for a while._

_D: What does that mean?_

_S: I don't know. But I'm getting a bad feeling here. I'll keep my ears open, Dean. You know I like Cas._

_D: Thanks, Sam._

_S: Are you okay?_

_D: Yeah, just, thinking._

_S: All right I have to go. I'll text you later._

_D: okay bye._

        Dean hummed as he thought about what Sam said.  Nothing murderous in the records, that was a good thing. But a powerful crooked businessman didn't need to get his own hands dirty. Dean felt a sick weight in his stomach.  And what in the hell was Cas' mom doing as a "consultant" for the police?

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief reference to past attempted non-con.

        It was later that week when Cas told him the full story, pulling Dean next to him on the patio as they looked at the waves hit the shoreline and the occasional jogger or couple walked past.  Cas took a deep breath, looking down at his hands and rubbing his fingers.  

        "My mom and I never got along," he started slowly, and he looked up, giving Dean a small shrug and forced smile, "I knew when I was really little that I didn't like girls, and I didn't know what that meant exactly.  My mom laughed at first, told me that I was being silly.  Later she scolded me, told me that I shouldn't say things like that because people would think I liked boys instead.  I knew that I didn't like boys either, so I, stopped telling my mom about it."  Cas' voice grew bitter, "I failed pretty early as a son." Dean took both hands and turned Cas towards him,

        "Hey, that's not true. Don't do that.  I, I've been there, kind of.  I guess I just always had Sammy there to remind me it wasn't my fault. So I'm telling you now-you didn't fail, or anything even close to that."  Cas looked at him levelly, eyes serious, but soft.  He nodded, 

        "Anyway, by the time I was in high school,  I had given up the idea of trying to be a good son.  So I focused on being a good brother, instead."  Cas smiled wryly, one side of his mouth quirking up, "I've got three older brothers-Luke, Michael, and Gabriel.  Luke and Michael had always kind of ignored me, but Gabriel was the closet thing that I had to a friend."

        Dean remembered the man he met yesterday, and how he had seemed genuinely concerned about Cas, the way he looked at Lucifer almost like he was ashamed.  

        "When I left for college, I kept in contact with Gabe.  Things were fine for a little while, I guess.  I was lonely, depressed, yes, but I was coping.  I had my own path and things to do and I had my brother.  A couple of years after I graduated, Gabe told me my mom wanted to see me.  I agreed to go home for the weekend."

        "It turns out that my mother set me up with the daughter of one of her friends.  Rachel was polite during our dinner, and I thought I was behaving socially appropriately.  She indicated no exceptional interest in me, and I was under the impression that she felt as equally socially obligated.  At the end of the evening, my phone had run out of battery, and she offered to let me charge it in her apartment for a few minutes, before I made the hour drive back to my parent's house."  

        At this time, Cas dropped his head into his hands, "I was so stupid."

        "Cas."

        Cas lifted a hand,  "I sat down on her couch, presumably to wait for my phone to charge, to talk. I honestly was just thinking that I needed to wait ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and I could get out of there and I would have fulfilled my duty."  Cas took a shaky breath, unable to meet Dean's eyes.

        "She kissed me.  She pushed me back into the couch.  I tried to, to draw away, but she started-she tried to-"

        Cas' voice choked up and his eyes filled with tears. "I panicked-I pushed her off of me and ran out of the apartment.  I drove back to my parent's house on autopilot.  When I got there my mom was screaming at me because she had tried to call my phone and wasn't able to get a hold of me.  I was so shaken up and I told her why I left it there, that Rachel had been, making advances, unwanted advances, and my mother told me there was _no such thing_ , because I was a man."  Cas was speaking rapidly, voice raising in anger and hurt.

        "She asked me, would it have been _so difficult_ to sleep with her, to act normal.  Like my virginity was meaningless.  That it 'wasn't like I wasn't going to enjoy it once we got started.'  She ordered me to go back there and "fix things", that her friend would be angry with her if I didn't "make things right".  

        "I was just so hurt and angry and scared.  My own mother was okay with my being _raped_.  She was okay with..okay with..."

        Dean tried to reach out to Cas and he threw Dean's hands off.  "Dean-let me, I have to finish this."  Dean swallowed, nodded, curled his hands on his knees.  

        "Luke and Michael and Gabriel came downstairs when they heard the commotion.  Michael took mother's side, though he looked like he felt guilty at doing so.  Luke _laughed_ at me.  He told me he had half a mind to drag me back there and _hold me down_ for her, and then he'd do her next."

        Cas started sobbing, "Christ Dean, for a moment I thought he really would do that to me."  

        Dean grabbed Cas and pulled him into a tight embrace, and this time Cas fell into him, clutching desperately,

        "And then, and then Gabe-"

        "Shh, Cas, shh, you're okay."

        "Gabriel just LEFT. He left me. He abandoned me."

        And with that, Cas stopped talking, weeping helplessly into Dean's shirt.

        Dean shushed him, rubbed his back, pressed kisses into his hair, struggled to keep his touch gentle even though he was livid.  If Lucifer ever stepped a foot, if he even _looked_ at Cas again, Dean would kill him.  

        Finally, Cas' sobs lessened, and he took a few shaky breaths. "Gabriel leaving me, like that, that was the worst part. I felt so alone, Dean. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted everything to just stop."  Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck and tucked his face under Dean's chin. Dean rubbed at Cas' back, his shoulders, ran a hand up Cas' arm and felt the raised scar there.  

        "I'm so sorry, Cas. I wish I had been there."  Cas sniffled and pressed himself closer into Dean like they could meld together.

        "I have you now." He ended the sentence in a question.  Dean squeezed Cas gently,

        "You have me now, for as long as you want me. Forever, if you want. I swear, Cas." Cas looked up at him, blue eyes disbelieving and happy and sad. Dean cupped Cas' face and stroked his cheeks, "I will not leave you."  Cas laughed wetly, rubbing his cheek into the palm of Dean's hand.

        He paused, squeezing his eyes shut, hand clasping Dean's wrist so tightly it hurt, "And I won't leave you."  Tears sprang unexpectedly into Dean's eyes.  Cas said it like a promise, and Dean understood the weight and meaning behind it. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slight nsfw
> 
> I rewrote this so many times, because I couldn't decide which direction to go. I promise next chapter will be longer!

        After the talk with Cas, they had gone for a swim. Cas' face cleared and he was soon laughing.  The sun was hot and Dean felt his skin began to redden with fresh sunburn.  He told Cas he was going to rinse off and make them some lunch.  He jogged up to the house and entered through the back, making his way to the bathroom.  Dean closed the door and pulled off his swim trunks, gasping as his hand grazed his cock.  

        Seeing Cas in the water had left Dean, as usual, half hard all morning.  He loved Cas so much, and would never push him into anything physical, but here in the shower, Dean allowed his mind to wander.  He pictured pulling Cas into the house, toned torso still dripping with water.  He pictured laying Cas down right there on the living room floor and tugging off his board shorts, taking Cas in his mouth.  Dean fucked into his fist, not bothering to stifle the moans, knowing Cas would linger in the water as he always did.  Dean imagined sliding into Cas' tight hole, so tight and hot and perfect, the way Cas' eyes would widen.

        With a groan, Dean came over his fist.  As the water of the shower cleaned his body, shame filled Dean's mind.  He knew Cas was perfectly okay with this, that Cas urged him, half teasing, half sincere, to talk care of his needs "as often as he desired".  Cas had even offered once to buy him some toys, stating that he was actually well versed with the variety of "stimulation products" available.  Dean's mouth had opened and closed silently as he had squeaked out a non-committal response.

        Dean threw a towel around his waist and wiped the fog off the mirror.  He looked at his reflection silently, at the faded scars on his torso, his skin pink from the sun.  Cas had told him so much, revealed so much, and Dean knew it was time for him to do the same.  Dean hung his head, his fingers curling on the bathroom counter.  He may hide his fear a little bit better than Cas, but it was there.  Just like Sam had said, months ago.  He had to open up about their past sometime.  Dean took a few deep breaths, shaking his head, and decided not to think about it anymore. He'd had enough panic attacks in his life, thank you very much.  "Grilled cheese. French fries," Dean murmured. Cas would be hungry when he came in from the water. "All right, get moving Winchester." 

         Cas walked across the little patio, brushing excess sand of his arms before opening the screen door.  He smiled at the sight of Dean sitting at the table, lazily eating a grilled cheese.  Cas sat down across from him and snagged a handful of chips, tossing them around in his palm.

        "You okay?" Dean's voice was still soft, hesitant.  Their talk earlier had been so serious, and Cas tried to push down his embarrassment.  It was hardly the first time he had broke down in front of Dean.  And he was still here.  Cas' heart swelled as he looked up into concerned green eyes.  He nodded,

        "I'm thinking of calling Gabriel."  He missed his brother.  Gabe was always so easy around people, he made it better for Cas in social situations, what to say, who were okay people to hang around with.  Dean was a little like that too, but almost too protective sometimes. Gabe might get him into crazy situations, but he would also be there to bail him out.  Cas sighed, dropping the chips and watching them scatter.

        "I think that's good."  Dean was tapping his fingers on the table, "You know, me and Sam, we're not always getting along. There have been times when we don't talk, but it's usually because he's right about something. Not saying that Gabriel was right about-" Dean gestured, voice rising quickly in panic.

        "Dean, I'm fine." Cas' lips quirked despite the pang in his stomach.

        "What I mean, is that, you're brothers, and he knows you so well, and it makes it harder when you fuck up, because you know how much you hurt them.  Maybe he's scared."  Dean's voice trailed off.  

        "Everyone gets scared, Dean. It's okay to talk about it. You know I'm the least person who will judge you."  Cas reached across the table and took Dean's hands.  He took a deep breath, "I think it's my turn to be brave. I want my brother back like you have Sam." Cas rubbed his thumbs along Dean's knuckles, "You don't know how much I admire you. You're the strongest person I know," Cas felt his eyes sting with tears, "I love you so much Dean."

        "That's crap, Cas." Dean cleared his throat and pulled his hands away, rubbing his eyes, "But, thanks. And, I love you too."  Cas laughed and let the tension break, standing and stretching.  He let out a groan as he reached for the ceiling. A particularly brutal wave had pulled him under and yanked his shoulder around.  Cas released his hands and he caught Dean staring at him.  Dean's cheeks flushed, and Cas gave a small, knowing, smile, ignoring the instinctual fear that came from receiving such a gaze.  

        Instead of bolting for the shower, he leaned down to give Dean a peck on the lips, reaching a hand up to cup his cheek, the kiss deepening. It was heavy, hot, and slow.  Dean's hand rose to the back of Cas' head and pulled him closer.  Eventually, they broke apart.  Dean's pupils were blown, and the arousal all but seeped from him.  Cas swallowed his guilt, "I'm going to call Gabriel now." His voice was apologetic, and Dean grabbed his hand as he walked away and gave it a squeeze, 

        "Good luck."

  


	5. Chapter 5

        11:18.

        Dean tossed back and forth on the bed.  Cas had been gone for hours, had left to call Gabriel.  Dean knew that Cas needed the space, but he was starting to freak out.  He had been watching the clock for the last two hours. Dean decided that when the clock turned from 11 pm to midnight, he would call Cas.

        11:23, 11:24, 11:25...

        Dean growled and punched his pillow.  He hated that he had no idea whether the phone call was going well, or bad. What if Cas was having a breakdown?  The air was still warm, the sound of the ocean, vast and unending, only exaggerated a feeling of emptiness, of being alone.

        11:37, 11:38...

        That's when Dean heard the squeak of the patio door, than the soft padding of feet.  He was reaching over for the lamp when familiar fingers laced through his.  Cas drew Dean's hand back and nudged him.  He scooted over and lifted the covers, reveling in Cas' presence, in his warmth and his scent,

        "You okay?" Cas nudged him over and spooned him from behind, pressing a smile to the back of his neck,

        "Actually, yes. I'll tell you tomorrow?"  Dean let out a sigh of relief, and nodded.  Cas squeezed him gently, 

        "Good night, Dean."  Dean felt his body relax, loose from relief and contentment.  Cas' arms were strong and protective around him, and Dean sighed again, relishing being held and reassured. 

 

*6 months later*

 

       Dean pressed kisses into Cas' hair, body loose from his orgasm.  He had woken up hard, and rutting up against the firm body next to him.  Still half asleep, he felt more than heard Cas snort and push him gently away.  Realizing what he was doing, Dean stopped, taking deep breaths.  Dean's eyes blinked open, an apology on his lips.  Cas' gaze was kind, amused, "Good morning."  Dean lifted himself out of bed and to the bathroom.  When he returned a few minutes later, Cas had curled into the warm spot he left behind, a soft smile on his lips.  Dean slipped under the covers and drew Cas into an embrace.  Cas ran fingers softly over Dean's cheek, with that slightly awed expression that Dean didn't deserve from someone like Cas.

        Cas had broached the idea of sex a few months ago.  Dean had obviously balked at the idea, but Cas reminded him that although he was asexual, he liked being close to Dean, giving him pleasure, and he was perfectly capable of making his own decisions regarding his body.  This was about trust, he had said.  About sharing something new together.

        Cas wanted to try different things, if Dean wanted them.  He knew that it would be a process of figuring out what worked for them.  Dean agreed, if they took it slow.  So they treaded lightly, quickly establishing boundaries. Things Cas was comfortable with, things he wasn't.  Cas said he felt like sex was just too messy. Too odd.  Too suffocating.  Most days he wasn't comfortable with anything beyond kisses and hugs.  He did not like to be touched sexually, at all.  

        Some days Cas enjoyed touching Dean, though, and it took a while for Dean to not feel guilty because he felt he couldn't reciprocate.  Cas reassured Dean that he loved to watch Dean fall apart, to watch his expressions, and Dean loved watching Cas watch him. The way he took charge, cataloging and observing Dean's pleasure.  

        Most days it was a hand on Dean's thigh while he got himself off, Cas' intense stare making Dean's masturbatory session all the hotter. On rare occasions Cas would pepper his whole body with kisses, up his legs and down his stomach to his cock and back up to his neck where he placed bruising hickies, while Dean fucked up into his fist.

        Once, Cas walked into the bedroom while Dean was fingering his hole, breaking through Dean's gasps with a calm, commanding, "Stop." Cas' slender fingers pulling his hands above his head, holding them down tight, his other hand above Dean's knee. Like a cat eyeing it's prey, Cas watched Dean squirm, his hips trying to thrust into nothingness.  He stayed there, smirk on his lips, until Dean was begging and pleading, his dick hard and almost painful with arousal, and finally, _finally_ , letting go of Dean's wrists, gave him permission to touch himself.  

        In the afterglow, Dean felt a gentle hand run through his hair, and a quiet, "You are so perfect, Dean. Gorgeous."  Dean tried to protest, his voice a mere mumble, but happy warmth ran through his body.  

 

*1 year later*

 

         Cas struggled to breathe, as he heard the phone ring. Finally, his brother's voice was on the other line, "Cassie! Hey. You called me two days in a row," Gabriel's voice was pleased, teasing, "Wasn't expecting that."

        "Gabe." Cas choked out, fresh tears welling in his eyes.

        "Cas-what's wrong?"

        "Dean," Cas sobbed, "Hospital."  

        "Okay, okay, what hospital," Gabe's voice was concerned, but calm.

        "Tri-City Medical." Cas held a hand up to his mouth, gasping at the waves of panic.

        "Okay, I'm leaving now, do you know what floor?"

        Cas looked around. Everything was blurry and it was hard to breathe. "I don't know."

        "Okay, listen Cas.  You're going to find a bathroom, take deep breaths, get some water.  It'll take me about an hour to get there.  When you find out a floor or room number, you can call me, or text. You like texting, right, go ahead and text me."  Cas nodded, than realized Gabe was still waiting, 

        "All right."  Gabe's voice was strong, unaffected,

        "I'll find you when I get there, it'll be okay little brother. I'll be there soon."  With that, Gabriel hung up, and Cas leaned against a counter, chest heaving.  He jumped when a hospital bed bumped his leg, and an irritated man in scrubs scowled at him,

        "Out of the way."  

        "Fuck off, Jeffrey."  A short woman with dark curls wrapped an arm around Cas' shoulder.  He jumped, but allowed the nurse to move him out of the way, "Come on, angel."  Cas followed numbly as she pulled him through the hallways into a room with a tv, couches, a coffee-maker.  There was a tired looking woman in scrubs who shot them a glare, but Meg must have given her a look, because the woman rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.  "Sit."  The nurse gently sat him down on the sofa, and Cas tried to calm his heart as he got a horrible sense of deja vu.  Thankfully, the woman sat on the sofa adjacent, propping up her feet and picking up a magazine. "So, are you on meds?"

        "Excuse me?"  Castiel sniffed, dabbing at his eyes and pushing his hair out of his face.

        "Anti-depressants, are you taking them?"  Castiel stared at her, the woman's eyes were open, genuine.  He looked away from her and around the room once more,

        "Where are we, am I allowed to be here?"  The nurse shrugged nonchalantly,

        "It's our break room, and you're not exactly allowed back here, but if I'm back here, I don't have to be out there."  

        Castiel blinked, "Oh."

        "I'm Meg,"  she tossed the magazine on the couch and crossed her arms, "And you didn't answer my question."

         "Castiel," Cas sat back slowly, relaxing despite the strange surroundings, "No, I'm wary of medication."  

        "Hmmm," the woman tilted her head, "Castiel, I can see that."  A wry smile spread across her face, "Well, let me tell you, angel, I've seen a lot of patients.  They help a lot of people."  Castiel shifted uncomfortably, 

        "Why do you think I'm depressed. I'm upset because-" Cas bit his lip, determined not to cry again.

        "Because the love of your life is in the hospital, no I get that," Meg shifted, "But it's more than that. I've got, I guess you could call it a gift. I can see people's fears, thoughts they don't want others to see."  

        The door to the room open and two doctors walked in.  One raised an eyebrow and Meg gave a heaving sigh, then gently pulled Cas up by the elbow and out of the room.  She deposited him back at the nurse's station, lifting her finger in a wait gesture, then checking something on her computer.  She wrote on a notepad, ripped the page, and handed it to Cas, "Your unicorn is out of surgery. Room, floor." She moved her finger across the paper.  Cas took it, feeling a wave of relief and looking gratefully at Meg.  She waved him away, "Go. And think about it, angel. It could help."  Cas nodded, and took out his phone to text Gabriel.  Knowing Dean had made it out of surgery, alive, he could start to breathe again.  

 

*1.5 years later*

 

        Dean gasped and sat up, chest heaving.  His t-shirt was sticky with sweat, and it took a moment to find his bearings.  A warm hand on his bicep was grounding. 

        "Dean. I'm here. You're okay."  Dean leaned into Cas, who had sat up, wrapping an arm around his waist.  "The accident?"  Cas murmured, already knowing the answer.  The car wreck which had totaled his impala had also resulted in a collapsed lung, major damage to his left arm and leg, and countless nightmares.  Cas had been there through it all, the physical therapy, the medications, all of it.  Dean took a steadying breath,

        "Yeah. S'okay."  He felt Cas wipe the wetness under his eyes.

        "All right. How about you shower and I'll get some fresh sheets. It's too warm in here anyway, and they could use a change."  Dean nodded, and turned his legs over the side of the bed.  He wobbled initially upon standing, but thankfully Cas didn't see.  He was turning on the fan and walking into the hallway.  Hot water would be good for his leg anyway, which was cramping up.  When Dean got out of the shower, Cas was laying in bed.  There was a glass of water on the bedside table, and his blue eyes were watching Dean carefully.  Dean gulped the water down and slid in next to Cas, who grabbed his wrist and pulled him close. 

 

*2 years later*

 

        Cas hummed as he dropped off the plate of pastries and bagels at the desk.  Meg spotted him and walked over, smiling, "Can't stay away, can you Clarence?"  Cas smiled back,

        "It's always nice to see you, Meg."  The dark haired woman clapped her hands together as she looked over the food,

        "My hero."  She reached for a blueberry muffin when a sound went off behind the desk and she groaned.  She raised a pointed finger menacingly at a terrified looking intern,  "No one touches the blueberry muffin. I'll be back."  She winked at Cas before hurrying down the hallway and into one of the hospital rooms.  

        Cas chuckled and made his way out, waving at some familiar faces.  He made it here a couple of times a week usually.  He and Dean had found an amazing bakery near his, _their_ , house, and found that if they lingered towards lunchtime, when the shop closed, there were always extra baked goods that the staff would encourage them to take.  The rest, Cas was told, would get thrown out.  Cas mentioned that he would be happy to donate the extra food to the nearby medical center, having been in the hospital frequently, he had an immense respect and gratitude towards nurses.  Meg in particular he would consider a friend.  He had taken her advice and reconsidered anti-depressants.  They seemed to be helping some.

        Having Gabriel back in his life was nice, too. Cas didn't realize how much he missed the sarcasm and the dramatics of his older brother.  It had been messy at first, there was a lot of explaining and arguing.  Gabe had told him about his daughter, that Kali was vengeful and angry, and wanted sole custody.  About how their mother had threatened to use her connections in the police department to have the girl completely taken away.  Gabe's guilt about the night that Rachel had tried to force Cas into sex, and that he couldn't say anything for fear of losing his child.  

        And Dean. Oh, Dean.  Protective, sacrificing, caring, loving Dean.  He held up a strong front, always caring for others, caring for Sam, caring for Cas.  As his and Cas' relationship progressed, Dean began to reveal his vulnerabilities and insecurities.  And Cas loved taking care of his boyfriend, being able to be there for him.  And Dean began to let him.  

        Cas started the car, and turned on the radio.  He felt good.

  

 

 


	6. Author's Note

This isn't really a chapter. I'm just trying to decided whether to continue this series or not. Feel free to leave any feedback or if you think I should add anything! Thank you all so much for reading :)


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